Ron Swanson Quotes

I don’t want to do things. I want to not do things.

Government is a greedy piglet that sucks, it feeds off of our hard work, and returns nothing but dirty toads for us to live in.

Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.

I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.

There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t give a man a fish and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.

Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

I’m not big on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.

The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so.

I’m not a fan of nature. Nature is dirty: sticks, bugs, trees, clouds. Nature is like the outside of a prison.

I have been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It’s a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement.

I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.

The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

Ron Swanson Quotes part 2

The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.

Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man, fishing’s not that hard.

Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.

I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am.

I’ve been quite open about this around the office: I don’t want this parks department to build any parks, because I don’t believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.

There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.

There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.

I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.

Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.

Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.

I’m not against government. I am against wasting taxpayer money on frivolous projects like parks, schools and hospitals.

The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people.

Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.

I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I’m going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.

I’m surrounded by a lot of women in this department. And that includes the men.

I’d wish you the best of luck, but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.

There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.

I prefer quality over flash, and I enjoy controversy.

Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I’m worried what you just heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, ‘Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.’ Do you understand?

I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

When people get a little too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.

I’m not interested in caring about people.

On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them all to go to hell one last time.

I think if you’re a normal human being, jealousy is an important emotion, it’s what tells us how important the things we’re jealous of are.

What religion am I? I’m a practicing none of your damn business.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing.

I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and was hit by a school bus; and then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.

Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water that’s lying about being milk.